First, thank you for reading! I was recently recognized as Redefine Cannabis‘ Outstanding Blogger for 2017 through the votes of wonderful people in the Cannabis community. I am so thankful for the designation but really just glad that there are people who have benefitted in one way or another from me sharing my story. Check out the January issue of Vegas Cannabis to see the awards including mine on page 66. Now about September on…
When last we spoke I discussed the positives of working in the cannabis industry. While I do believe this is one of the best industries to work in, I also pride myself on being honest with you, my audience. This post is going to be longer than usual so I can touch on all of the developments that have transpired since September, starting with the job I had.
You read that right, had. I love being a part of this industry but there are times when you allow yourself to take on a larger load than you can carry because you can see the benefit of the work you do. However, in my case I started to take on more and more responsibility, believing whole heartedly in the vision, and I forgot to take care of myself. I would get too busy to eat, or eat properly (a bag of potato chips and a handful of chocolate kisses do not a balanced meal make). I was also exceptionally stressed and unable to fully express that to people who could help lighten my load a little. Ultimately, more was needed of me than I could as one person give. I had 5 anxiety attacks before a major industry convention, powered through the week of the convention through the use of high dose CBD capsules (which worked exceptionally well, expect a review of that soon), coffee, excitement about the convention and meeting amazing people, and ending each night with a strong Indica so I could get some deep full body sleep before getting up and doing it all over again. I got through that week from convention setup to shut down and as many events as I could manage in between.
The following week I had the most severe panic attack I have ever had in my life. It was terrifying in a way I had never experienced before. The next day I resigned. Sometimes passion isn’t enough. In my case, I needed to focus on being better about how I take care of myself.
In the months since leaving that position money has been tighter than I would like it to be. I haven’t been able to afford my medication and so I was not medicating consistently. That is to say that after having the panic attack what I should have done was take some time, work out a better medication schedule that attended to my needs and moved forward gently until my anxiety felt less like a fire breathing dragon and more like a yapping pup. But I didn’t.
I was so stressed about bills that I jumped into a different job where I could not medicate on site if I needed to, which is arguably most jobs. I allowed stress to build yet again and recently had an anxiety attack that took me to a very dark place that I do not intend to visit ever again. I terrified and hurt my family who struggle with understanding this beast I fight and the terrible things it makes me think. I reached out to friends and told them what had happened and instead of being put off by my problem they listened to everything I had to say and then reminded me of who I really am.
My friends and family became a different mirror for me. The image of me that they presented is of the person I always hope I can be, someone who is thoughtful and caring, passionate, dedicated and smart. Most important they reminded me that I am strong and that strong people need support too. They helped pull together resources and contacts to help me get the CBD that helped clear my head and they have been the sympathetic ear I’ve needed and at the hardest of times they have been the shoulder I have needed to cry on. I am not alone. And if you think about it, it is very rare that any of us truly are alone.
These amazing friends and I are working on a big project to help elevate and magnify the voices of women who use cannabis so that we can see the lives of women discussed in our cannabis culture. If you are interested in this project you can find more information on our Facebook page, the project is called The Women of Cannabis, and I really believe we can all work together to build a community that embraces women, their voices, and their stories in a bigger way.
I will leave you with a few thoughts as I wrap this up: You are stronger than you realize (though it sometimes takes a lot to figure this out), you are special because you are an original (there’s no one quite like you anywhere else), You are not alone and don’t have to be (you have a tribe of fellow travelers who get you on a level that is hard to explain, if you haven’t met them you will), and finally be kind to yourself (this is often the hardest) because you are worthy of kindness.
Have a great day!